


Lavender

by SirenNyx



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Bisexual Allura (Voltron), Eating Disorders, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friends to Enemies, Gay Keith (Voltron), Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lansgt, M/M, Minor Allura/Shiro (Voltron), Triggers, Voltron, my own arc you'll love, please note that this fic has triggeres., scared lance, slowburn, things get worse before they get better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-08-03 05:45:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16320230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirenNyx/pseuds/SirenNyx
Summary: The slowest building most langst filled fic I've ever written.Lance is a Fighter Pilot until he isn'tLance is the Blue paladin until he isn'tLance is the Sharpshooter until he isn'tLance keeps losing parts of himself.Things really went downhill when they lost Shiro. Now Lance is losing himself and the people he loves.This is a slowupdate, slowburn. I do plan to do large chapters that's a plus. But major trigger warning





	Lavender

“Are you a sea lion, because I sea you lion in my bed later.” Allura raised a questioning brow.   
“What is a Sea Lion?” Allura didn’t smile she only looked mildly confused.   
Lance sighed “never mind. Hmm, what about” he threw on his best dazzling smile. “You look ill, you must be suffering from a lack of vitamin ME.” The altean princess understood this one, thank god. But there wasn’t a smile either. Just a small eye roll and light scoff. I must be off my game today.  
“Space Dad!” Shiro walked by, probably on his way to see a certain Princess.   
“Lance, is something wrong?”   
“Just a request.” a devilish grin grew on Lance’s face. “I want you to use pick-up lines on her.” He pointed over his shoulder at Allura. “Look she hasn't smiled all weekend. It's freaking me out man.” he threw his hands in the air. “Ask her if she is wearing space pants.”   
“But she is. That is her suit.” Shiro raised an eyebrow. “Don’t worry about it Lance I’ll talk to her.” Lance stood off to the side and supervised. The moment that Shiro walked over Allura smiled. Her whole face brightened.   
Lance dropped his arms and walked away. Mission accomplished. He just didn’t know why it stung so much. He walked down the hall to his room. He should probably be mission ready. They were minutes from launching an all-out attack on Zarkon and his forces. 

 

“Shiro’s...gone.” The whole castle was stunned and quiet.   
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN GONE.” Allura was frozen in place. 

The castle was quiet for days and Lance couldn’t help but feel it was his fault. How he can do nothing to help. He kept replaying everything he did wrong in his head. As Lance walked down the hall a small sniffle was heard from the Lab. “Pidge?”   
She was laying with her head on the console. A green display lit up the room. “I can’t find him.” Pidge took another shaky breath. “What good am I if I can’t fucking find him.” Lance’s heart twisted and he cursed the universe. “Shiro….he’s always been there for me.”  
“It’s okay Pidge we’ll find him.”  
“NO!” She stood up slamming her hands “I have to find him.” She looked down. “I have to.”   
“Then I’ll help.” Pidge sniffled and wiped away her tears before nodding.   
“Okay,” she agreed. Lance spent the entire night with Pidge in the lab. He helped in small ways. And when Pidge finally collapsed in the early hours of the morning. Lance went to her room and brought back her blanket and a plushie that he had seen in her room. He returned to her and draped the blanket around her. Setting the small stuffed animal by her head on the desk. When he left he turned off the lights but left the program running, giving off enough light to see PIdge slumped at the desk.   
Lance let out a sigh and stretched. He took a step forward intending to head to the kitchen when he hit something and stumbled back. “Keith.”  
“Lance.”  
“Where are you headed.”  
“Training deck.”  
“Right.” Lance looked him over. He looked just as desperate as Pidge. “Did you just get up?”  
Keith nodded. “Though I’d spar before the day started.” He nodded to Lance and continued down the hall. Lance stared after him. That was the most normal conversation they had ever had. Lance had to admit it was nice but he knew that Keith was probably too upset to hate him. The castle just wasn’t right without Shiro. Lance couldn’t even cheer anyone up at all.   
Lance sighed and walked down the hall to the kitchen. He saw Hunk working on a masterful breakfast. “Lance! Pull out the Biscuits!” Hunk was stirring something and digging around in the fridge. Lance rushed to help.   
A little bit later and Hunk’s spread of food was done. Allura and Coran wandered in and ate in silence.   
After they were done Lance cleaned up their plates and started some coffee. “Hunk thank you very much for the food.” Allura stood her voice was even, a blank slate to the world. They were Allura’s words but it didn’t seem like Allura was the one who said them. She slipped out of the room and Lance noticed Coran was also gone.   
“Hunk, why did you make so much?” Lance asked as they put up the leftovers, so things didn’t spoil, and made plates.   
“It’s my thing.” Lance must’ve looked confused because Hunk sighed, “I stress cook….It’s my. Thing.” He struggled to force the last word out with a heavy sigh. Once the food was put up Lance brought Hunk to the table and sat him down with his food and a glass of warm milk. “Thanks for the help, Lance.” Hunk slowly ate the food, Lance nodded and left with a cup of coffee and the plate full of food. He slowly walked down to the training deck. Keith was whirling through the drills and fighting in a blind fury. Lance would’ve spoken up but it didn’t seem like the time. Instead, he sat the plate and cup on a crate and turned to leave.   
“Training sequence complete. Well done.” The castle spoke and complimented the Red Paladin. At the same time, the Paladin turned.   
“Lance?” Keith sounded surprised when he saw the Blue Paladin. “What are you doing here?”   
Lance turned and shrugged. “You weren't at breakfast. So I… Hunk wanted me to bring you some.” Liar, why was this something he felt like he had to lie about. Was he that scared of Keith's mockery? He pointed to the still warm food and steaming cup of coffee.   
Keith stared at the food. Then he closed his eyes and took a breath. Letting it out with a small smile. “Thanks, Lance.” That was the first smile he’d gotten in days, from anyone and this one came from Keith. Lance felt the air whoosh out from his lungs. Keith put up his Bayard and grabbed the plate sitting on the floor. He patted the ground beside him.   
Lance sat obediently and pulled his knees up to his chest to rest his arms on them. “Has Pidge gotten anything about…” Keith fell silent. Unable to say the Black Paladin’s name.   
Lance sighed and shook his head. “We worked non-stop all night. The program is still running but I she was asleep when I left.”   
“You two worked all night?” Keith raised an eyebrow at me. Normally this would be offensive in some way but we seemed to have a mutual cease-fire. So I only nodded. “Non-stop?”   
“Well I mean the bathroom is right by the lab so pretty much.”   
Keith took a sip of coffee. “I never used to like coffee. But after we left Earth, the taste and the smell make me feel the closest to it.” He admitted with a small shrug. Then he picked up the fork. “Alright which of Hunk’s creations are the best?” Lance looked away and shrugged. “What couldn’t pick a favorite?” Lance stood. Still sort of ignoring Keith, not rudely but just like he was selectively ignoring the question.   
“Well, I’ll leave you to your meal.”  
“Lance.” The way he said his name this time was much different than it had been before. And the strong tone of it forced him to freeze with his back to its source. “You did eat right?” Lance only shrugged noncommittally. “I figured as much.” Lance looked at Keith in surprise. “Come on sit down.” Lance found himself once again sitting next to the Red Paladin. “You kept looking a little queasy when you saw my plate.” He explained. “Eat the biscuit at least.”   
There was nothing wrong with the flavor but the moment he swallowed, repulsion ran through his body. He brought his other hand to his mouth. After a moment it passed but Lance was now entirely unwilling to eat.   
“Sorry.” He placed the bread back down on the plate once again. “I can’t.”   
Lance saw Keith’s nod from the corner of his eye. “It’s okay.” Keith ate roughly half then set the plate back on top of the cargo box. “Lance I’ve got to ask.” Lance felt Keith sift to look at him. “How long has this been a problem?” When at first Lance didn’t say anything. Keith pushed on. “I’ve noticed it before.. And these past few days you haven’t… you’ve missed a few meals. And only pushed your food around. I don't think anyone noticed though. Not with… what's happened.”   
“It’s a long story.” It wasn’t it just felt like so much to Lance that there seemed like a golf ball had lodged itself in his throat. And as such Lance felt like he couldn’t breathe much less talk.   
“You don’t really have a reason to tell me to do you?” He really didn’t. But he felt like he had to.  
Lance felt his stomach convulse. “It not like that. It’s just too hard to… get out I guess.” After a breath, he spoke. “I’m inclined to say it started back home.”   
“ON EARTH, it’s been like this the whole time. The Garrison training and you were pushing through this?” Keith looked almost hurt. And Lance hated the next worlds that came out of his mouth. But he’d already started and the need to push on burned low in his gut. The confession itself his own personal hell. He shook his head and took a deep calming breath.   
“No, It started in Cuba. Back Home.” Now Keith felt as though he couldn’t breathe. “I um. Cuba’s never been the most comfortable place to live. And well, we had a big family. And all so food sometimes got hard to come by. When I was younger it wasn’t a problem, but I started to notice that the more I ate the less anyone else could eat. And it disgusted me. I disgusted me. And it got a lot harder to eat. After the…. After I got to the Garrison, it was easier for a time. But out here. Where I´m so far from home, I think of it even more.”   
¨How often do you eat?¨   
¨If my body had its way I’d die of starvation. But I eat whenever we have after mission meals and a small bite before a mission.” Keith could see how uncomfortable the topic made Lance so he quickly changed it.   
“Will.. Will you tell me about Cuba?”   
“It's routine.” he smiled. “The same routine daily.” He smiled softly at the ground. He laughed loudly. “Though it is still Communist. Each person had a set number of clothes they could have. And the healthcare system sucks. But it was home. And I miss it. I miss playing Soccer with Anton and the other kids. I even almost miss my job at the market on the corner.” He told Keith everything he loved. Everything he missed. And everything he absolutely hated about Cuba.  
Lance wasn’t sure how much time at passed but he knew he was tired. And Keith was leading to his room. Saying “Come on sleepy head. Time to catch some z's” 

 

Lance slept the whole day through the night. Only waking up in the morning when Pidge came into his room “Laaannnccceeee~ wakey wakey Allura wants us in the control room in 10.” Lance groaned in response and Pidge, taking that as a valid answer, shrugged and walked out of the room. Lance rolled off his bed and onto the floor. Feet hitting as he landed in a sort of lazy squat. Which was his usual way to way up? He pulled on his mission suit and trudged up to the deck. He’d been skipping his beauty routine for a couple days. The whole thing felt like home, a reward Lance figured he didn’t deserve. After what had happened before Lance couldn’t meet Keith’s eyes. And Keith was watching him like a hawk, a very protective hawk…   
The Puig had declared independence. The team, or what was left, worked with The Blade of Marmora to free the people. Lance was proud of himself he was able to be the happy Lance even after the talk with Keith last night. That might be because he didn’t have to look at Keith because he wasn’t on the mission. When they returned to report the mission to Allura, she was happy to hear that they were successful in getting the planet on board with ‘Team Voltron.’  
“They want Voltron, but we don’t have Voltron anymore.” Hunk finished up his summary of their mission.   
“We don’t have Shiro anymore either,” Keith muttered.   
“This may be difficult to accept but I think it is time to think about finding a new pilot for the Black Lion.” Everyone stared at her in surprise. Replace Shiro? But Shiro was their leader, he was the Black Lion’s pilot.   
“NO! I’m gonna find him. Shiro is the one person who never gave up on me. I won’t give up on him.” Keith stomped out of the room. Pidge silently following him out as crystalline tears dripped off her chin. 

“Soo, who goes first?” Hunk asked.   
“Should we draw straws?” Pidge wondered.   
“I’ve got it! I’m thinking of a number between one and 50.” With a proud snap of his fingers, he rattled off the order. “Allura, you go first. Pidge is Second, then the others.”  
“Wait don’t we get to guess the number?” Lance exclaimed  
“But I already have the number.” Coran obviously didn’t understand the earth version.   
“Allura, just go.” Lance ceded  
All Paladins one by one tried to pilot the Black Lion, much to Keith's protests. When he sat down in the seat. The Black Lion responded immediately. But Keith wanted nothing to do with this leadership position. He exited the Lion as fast as he could. Allura was the first to congratulate him. To her, this was a good thing but to him, it seemed like a slap in the face. A cut down the center of his chest. He pushed past all of their talks, he would not accept the Black Lion. He wasn’t the Leader, just the loner. Shiro was the leader, Keith was the loner. 

 

That night Lance sat in the Pilot seat of the Red Lion… But it’s not right. Red isn’t Blue. There aren’t any pleasant hums when he sat down. Just the quiet sense of duty. Get the job done and that was it. That's when Lance realized, Red didn’t want him as his Pilot. He was just sitting in the chair because Red needed to be loyal to his true Paladin. Allura was wrong he isn’t Red’s pilot now because he could respect Keith as the leader. He was in that seat because it was empty. Just a placeholder for Keith. Red’s Paladin was Keith and that wasn’t gonna change. Ever. Red will be forever loyal to his paladin. But in this situation, it was in Red’s best interest to have Lance in the cockpit.  
He stumbled out of the lion only to sink to his knees. The Breath was stolen from his lungs as he tried to assemble himself again. It took half a Varga of shaky breaths and pulling at his hair to ground him.   
On wobbly knees, he stood and tried to make his way to Blue. His girl, his lion. Desperate for the familiar hum of energy that floated by him when they ‘spoke’. As soon as he got close to Blue her shield went up. Just like before. Lance had thought that maybe Blue would feel for him enough to allow him comfort in the pilot’s seat. “Blue?” his voice broke and so did the rest of him. The hurt and pain cut deeper than a razor blade. Like the cold knife of betrayal had found its way into his flesh. He sunk to his knees pressing his head to the blue shield around what he would’ve once called, his Lion.   
Just a placeholder.   
That's all he was, a pilot of the convenience. He wasn’t even… He wasn’t even Blue’s pilot. Blue had chosen Allura. Lance was just the means to get to her. Just a Placeholder. Piloting Blue had been a joke. Lance was a joke. His whole life he had been a Placeholder. The only reason he got into Fighter Class was to be Keith’s replacement.   
A pilot of the convenience. Just as much of a replacement for Keith now as he was then. Would he ever stop being useless? Always the last resort. Last pick and last in line. “Blue, please.” He begged. “Let me in please.” He weakly hit the barrier. Lance needed the familiarity of the large cockpit. Not the smaller one of Red. He needed the pull of strength in the controls. Not the skimming speed.   
The very controls of the two lions were different. Where Blue's gave resistance and she rumbled with power. Red's gave little protest as he shot ahead of the other lions. When Blue would turn he could count on the small drift and could use it to his advantage. But it Red he turned too sharply that he confused himself. Blue would react instinctively at times. But Lance found he had very little control of Red in fights. Red was a lithe machine while under fire. Blue was a bit more of a tank. In Blue lance could take a hit or two and not even notice but Red used more energy for speed rather than strength. Every shot in Red jared him. He felt so raw while piloting Red. Like someone had stripped him of his Bayard in the middle of a fight. And left him surrounded by Galra.   
Lance curled in upon himself and cried. He tugged at the jacket he wore as if getting it tight enough would protect him.   
Lance doubted he could feel safe in either pilot seat. After all, he now realized neither lion is his. Blue belongs to Allura. And Red is very loyal to Keith. 

Lance tried to calm himself tried to remember Cuba. Tried to picture home. But all that did is remind him why he was at the Garrison in the beginning. To try to set up a life so his small cousin and his unborn niece could hopefully start a new life for themselves outside of Cuba. His life at the Garrison wasn’t even his. He was a placeholder his whole life. First just for his family so they could have a good life. Then he was a replacement for Keith. And when Blue found him he was just an end to a means. When Shiro left he was only in Red’s best interest. He wasn’t worth anything to the world. Because he didn’t have his own place in it.   
When Keith figured out he was Red’s new Paladin he had left. Just left Lance standing in the hallway and stormed off. He couldn’t explain he didn’t want it. He didn’t want this Lion, it wasn’t his. None of them were. 

Allura seemed to be fitting right in with Blue. She was much better in that lion then Lance ever was. And it only seemed to strengthen the feeling that Blue was never ‘his’. Meanwhile, Lance struggled with Red. Both physically and mentally. He hated piloting Red, hated the change, hated what it meant. Hated the controls, hated the feeling that he actually had no control. More often than not Lance would let Red make the decisions in battles. He rarely had to interfere. Red only used him in fights when they needed his Bayard.   
The only time he truly flew Red was when Red didn’t feel like dealing with mundane things. Basically, anything that wasn’t the burning rage of a fight, Red had no interest in. While Lance struggled with his new position Keith and Allura where adapting exceptionally well. Keith had a little bit of trouble initially, he had to change to lead the team and not just himself. He had to make the tougher decisions. And Lance was becoming more aware that with the Change of Lions he couldn’t be himself in battle, he had to placehold a new role.  
Blue Paladin   
And he became especially aware when the distress call went out that day. “PALADINS WE HAVE A SITUATION.” Allura’s voice was jarring in the silence of Lance’s room. He had been woken up from an unplanned nap. He was still in his armor when he passed out so his body was stiff when he slipped off the bed to sit on the floor and stretch. After a quick stretch, Lance stood and made his way to the control room. As per usual he was the last to arrive and the mission brief had already started.   
“-it’s a rebel ship used to bring supplies to the far reach radio stations.” The image was an admittedly large ship, for the rebel forces anyway. “They sent it out a few Vargas ago. Keith and I have speculation it may be a trap. There is an abandoned Galra cruiser in that sector. And there seem to be a lot of biorhythms of the rebel ship.” The image zoomed out at the touch of Pidge’s finger. Now it displayed a Galra ship, completely devoid of any signs of inhabitants. “The Blade of Marmora has confirmed it is a rebellion vessel that sent out the signal.” Pidge brought up the layout of the ship.   
Keith spoke up. “The plan is for Lance to go in on the Green lion with Pidge using the cloaking ability. Lance will take the position here.” he pointed to a balcony that looked over the hangar and a large amount of the open ship. The balcony opened on both sides of a wall. One side was the Hanger the other the central hub of the ship. Pidge will have to barricade Lance in there so he can’t be snuck up on. There is a camera looking out to either side and those will also have to be disabled. We think the Galra sent out the signal after taking over the vessel. In which case they are probably locked here.” The display moved to a cargo bay. “This bay is empty to receive cargo from their next stop. Which was going to be ammunitions so this is a high-security area.” The image zoomed out.   
“Once Lance is in the position we make our move. Pidge will need to find a terminal to find the rebels. Hunk, Allura, and I will go in through the hangar. Lance will cover us as we dock and unload. Then we will free the rebels and launch a plan from there to take back the ship.” They nodded and broke up. Lance and Pidge ran to Green’s hangar and boarded.   
Green’s panels flickered to life. The mission was a go. Lance hung onto the pilot’s seat as Pidge lifted off. Green was fast, probably the happy medium between Blue and Red though. Pidge powered up the cloak and they gently landed on a nearby asteroid. Jumping out and attaching to the ship as it passed by. Lance popped open the air duct and they slipped aboard. “WEEEEEEEE!” lance whisper yelled.   
“Lance focus on the mission.”   
“Keith buddy relaxes, there’s nothing to do but slide down the chute.” Lance and Pidge put on the brakes by pushing against the sides. The metal made a small groan and they only just stopped before they would’ve tumbled out. Right in front of the guards that passed by under the vent opening. Once they passed Lance let out a sigh of relief.   
“Galra take-over confirmed,” Pidge said. “Moving to lookout now.”   
“Good job Pidge. Alert me when you’re in position.” Lance felt a pang when Keith only addressed Pidge. They dropped out of the vent and snuck over to the hall with balcony access.   
The door was locked. “PIdge can you get us in there?” she only rolled her eyes and opened the door in seconds with a proud smirk. “Great job.” They found the balcony. And Pidge swung off using her Bayard. So far above their heads, the Galra didn’t even notice. She goes to the hall on the other side and into the control room without being noticed. She took out the guards and shot out the door’s controls. “Door’s locked.” She said.   
“Same on my end.” Lance’s reply was slightly fuzzy through the comm link.   
She ran to the control terminal. Hangar door will be unlocked shortly. “Que B team.”   
“B Team?! PIDGE I AM IN NO WAY ON THE B TEAM!” Allura’s heated reply was somehow crystal clear. Pidge could hear Lance’s blaster fire and his terrible jokes as he took down sentries.   
“Taste my Bayard!” The responding Laser fire meant that one, Lance was taking on a few too many. And two, Lance was doing exactly what he was supposed to. Pidge tuned him out.  
“Hangar door open in 3. 2. 1.” Pidge look up from the controls to the video feed to watch the doors slide open. The Lions passed through the barrier and landed. The Galra forces turned to confront the new threat but it was already too late. Lance quickly took down all the opposing forces as they tried to disable the lions, to no avail.   
Hunk, Allura, and Keith ran into the Hangar and Hunk waved at Lance. “Hi Lance, Bye Lance” he yelled as he ran bellow Lance and into the Cargo Bay. Lance got up from his prone position and took up position on the other side.   
“Lance opens fire I’ll have the door up in a sec. “ Two seconds later and Lance was under heavy fire.   
“PIDGE NO! DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!”  
“Lance, what’s wrong?”   
“There’s too many I can’t get off a shot.” Pidge and the team could hear the blaster fire. “FIND ANOTHER WAY FOR THEM TO GET THERE. I HOLD THEM OFF.” Pidge saw all the Galra forces moving to intercept Lance.   
“There’s no way you-”  
“PIDGE I have to. The rest of you get the prisoners free.”   
“Pidge, for now, we have to listen to him.” Allura cut through the fight. “Get us to the prisoners as fast as you can.”   
“I don’t like this,” Hunk spoke up. “Let’s just be quick.”  
“There's a corridor to your right.” They ran down the hall and followed every direction Pidge gave them. All of their minds tight with worry as Lance held off the Galra. They could hear the shots over the commlink, and It didn’t sound like Lance was making any headway.   
There wasn’t much resistance on the path to the cargo bay the prisoners were in. Which meant that they were mostly attacking Lance.   
“That’s it. I’m gonna go help, Lance.”   
“Thanks, Pidge”   
“No problem guys just get them out, and take back the ship.” Pidge left the console sprinting down the hallway to the main bay. “Lance how ya doing?”   
“Could be better.” Lance was bleeding from several small flesh wounds on various parts of his body. From laser shots, he couldn’t dodge. After all, he had to keep the Galra occupied. The ache was pulsing but at least the heat of the lasers sealed the wounds mostly.   
“I’m on my way.”   
“Stay with the group we have a better chance of fighting them off if we overwhelm them all at once.” Lance was sure Pidge would get hurt if she tried to fight off the forces.   
“Like hell, I will. I have to get some of their fire off of you.” Pidge charged into the room. Using her bayard she shot above the crowd of Galra. Diving into the balcony that harbored Lance. “Lance, please tell me at least some of this blood isn’t yours.”   
“At least some of this blood isn’t yours,” Lance replied with a devilish smirk.   
Pidge rolled her eyes. “Shut up.” She looked him over. It was, in fact, all his. Her voice was full of worry as she spoke. “I’m going to draw their fire. Cover me.” She was gone without giving him any choice. She shot out of their small cover. Lance cursed and stepped out firing off a couple shots. His body was exhausted and he was shaking. Only one hit landed. Lance’s eyes widened at the miss.  
Sharpshooter.   
Pidge was quick to take to the fight. Lance did his best to cover her. The majority of the forces turned their attention to the new threat. Lance cursed as he was hardly able to land a shot. He could barely even hold up his Bayard.  
He’d been going for far too long, he couldn’t feel much of his body. His arms were numb his vision swam with flickering pain. And he could hardly make out Pidge in the sea of purple. She started close and then began to make a ring around her. Taking one electrified drone or Galra, and swinging it around hitting the others. She was doing so well, Lance couldn’t be more proud of the radio technician from the Galaxy Garrison. Now tearing into Galra hide and kicking ass. They fought for a while longer. Lance taking out anyone with a gun. No longer able to trust his own aim, he thinned them out the best he could for the smallest paladin. Taking down one after another, Drone after drone replaced each other. The soldiers no longer getting in the ring with the little green goblin.   
Lance’s vision swam more, he knew it wasn’t blood loss but pure exhaustion. He wasn’t even sure how long they’d been fighting till Hunk came over the com. “Everyone’s out, we’re coming your way.”   
“Good to hear it, Big Guy, we’re ho-”   
“AHHHH,” Pidge’s strangled yelp echoed through the coms and the room. Pidge took a shot to the leg.   
“PIDGE!” he jumped and landed next to her. Even with his suit, he felt the exhaustion and shock ripple up his legs.   
God he’s supposed to protect her. Watch her back, he’s no sharpshooter. He’s just a placeholder. Doing his best to protect the fallen Paladin. Rage and Adrenaline filled him and he hardly felt any of the Gala's hits land on him as he abandoned his Bayard for the close combat fight he now found himself in.   
“GUYS PIDGE IS DOWN.” He hit the drones with the but of his gun. Keeping a tight ring around Pidge.   
“We’re on our way!” Allura and Keith spoke in unison both of their voices tinged with worry.   
“Fuck… I’ll be fine guys. Just take back the ship and get me to a god damn pod.” Lance was doing his best, and Pidge was still fighting from her knees. Grabbing Galra soldiers and throwing them. A moment later and shots were fired into the crowd.   
“Eat lasers!” Hunk yelled he and Keith fanned out to take down the Soldiers. The rebels giving off a yell of savage fury. “This is our Ship!” Allura ran to Pidge’s aid. Just in time too, Lance was losing the adrenaline strength that coursed through his veins a moment before. Lance cleared a way to the Galra and got Pidge into Blue with Allura. Pidge had to be carried by Allura as she was unable to walk and had passed out from the pain.   
Lance did his best to return to the fight but the only fight there wasn’t much of one left. They scanned the ship for trackers and any more stowaways. Finding more the Rebels admitted they would send a team from a nearby planet to raid the Galra cruiser for information and anything else useful. They played diplomats for a moment then they left. Lance hitched a ride with Hunk, still unsure if Keith hated him.   
When they first changed Lions Keith glared at Lance any time they were near each other. He had resented his position as Leader and pilot of the Black Lion, adamant that it was Shiro’s position. That had been taken out on Lance, he would stare daggers at Lance, the new Red Paladin. Keith didn’t speak to Lance for several days after, giving him the cold shoulder and even colder stares.   
Now Keith only glared at him whenever Lance would get in Red for a mission. Lance didn’t blame him after all Red was Keith’s Lion. And Lance… Lance wasn’t meant to have a lion.   
Allura had sat beside the pod that Pidge was in from the moment that it said she was stable. “Pidge will be okay.” Allura smiled softly through the drying tears on her face. Coran wrapped her in one of his amazing hugs. Lance refused Hunk’s offer to set up a healing pod for him.   
“Could you… could you just bandage me up, ya know earth style.” Lance could tell Hunk wanted to protest, tell Lance it was easier to use the pod.   
But in the end, Hunk just nodded and said “Sure thing buddy.” The relief that filled his body with that word was immeasurable. He didn't think he could get back in a pod, not after last time.   
Mission debrief was a serval Vargas later. Lance was clean and bandaged up when he walked into the control room. “What were you doing.” Allura had her back turned to the team staring out of the windows.   
“What do you mean.” Lance was confused. Though she hadn’t addressed him it was very clear she was talking to him. Allura clenched her fists and turned to him.   
“What. Were. You. Doing.” Allura took several steps and stood in front of him. “Pidge could be dead. Imagine if that shot went through her heart. The shot you didn’t stop. Tell me, Lance, what did PIdge ask you to do? She said ‘cover me.’ And you let her get shot?”   
“Allura I don’t the-”   
“Stay out of this Hunk.” He did as he was told unwilling to incur the wrath of the Altean Princess. She turned her anger back on Lance. “You, Failed Lance.” The words rung loudly in Lance’s head. He had been telling himself that since Pidge got shot. But to hear it from someone else… Drove the first knife into his heart. “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT LANCE. WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR BAYARD IS WHAT IT IS.” fresh tears threatened to fall from Allura’s eyes. “That Bayard is Useless in your hands.” Allura broke the tears falling from her eyes. “You’re dismissed.”   
Lance turned and walked out of the control room head down, holding one arm to brace himself. His feet moved on their own and he found himself in the training deck. Keith fought when things bothered him. Besides Lance was useless. The only thing he could get would be better. He mindlessly set the deck to level one. “Training sequence in 3. 2. 1. Level One start.” The castle generated Bots around the area and he fired off three shots. Two went down. Lance cursed. And gritted his teeth against the pain that still surrounded his body. Pain that he deserved for letting Pidge get hurt. He cursed himself and his failure.   
Lance made it to level 2 before collapsing from exhaustion and pain. He sat down for a moment. He probably would have fallen asleep if Pidge’s cry of pain and Allura’s words weren’t ringing in his ears. He forced himself to stand. Starting the Hand-to-hand simulation. He took down several bots before one hit him in the gut then squarely in the face. Lance found himself starting the simulation over. Then when he got taken down again, he started it over. Again and Again and Again and Again.   
He wouldn’t be a joke anymore. Lance swore not to be useless anymore. He was the Red Paladin. Voltron’s right hand, he needed to start acting like it. Lance is the Red Paladin.   
He swore to be the Paladin Voltron needed. The one his team wanted.   
Lance didn’t sleep that night he went through the simulation so many times his limbs felt like jelly. He wasn’t at breakfast the next day. And when Keith remembered before when Lance could hardly stomach the biscuit and the words Allura said before he set out to find him. Keith checked Lance’s room and the Lab neither of which harbored Lance.   
In a rage, Keith went to the training deck. There he found Lance on level 4 of Hand-to-Hand combat. Lance took an elbow to the face and dropped. Once on the ground Lance spun and swept the feet out from under the bot. It went down and Lance struggled to his feet. “End simulation,” Keith spoke up and the bots were cleared from the arena. Lance turned to Keith in surprise. “Level four, not bad. Though my high score on Hand to hand is 9.” Lance turned back to look at the ground, and Keith felt like he had stabbed Lance. In a way he had, Keith’s words drove the second knife into his heart.   
Keith took a breath as if it would clear the air. He tossed a water to Lance. “Here you look a little hot.” As soon as the words left his mouth Keith regretted them. Knowing Lance would take advantage of the situation. But Lance only caught the bottle and took a drink. Lance heard the sigh of relief when he let the words die in his throat. They didn’t want to hear the jokes. He wasn’t what they wanted. “You weren’t at breakfast.” Lance didn’t meet Keith’s eyes.   
“Wasn’t hungry.”   
“Pidge was there.” Lance looked at Keith with wide eyes. “She’s fine. Allura’s codling her now though.” Keith looked around the training deck. “I see you’re in a mood now though so I’ll go. Just wanted to make sure you’re mission ready whenever we need you. Can’t have you collapsing of malnutrition.” Keith left and Lance started up the simulation again.   
Lance took Keith's words to heart. His whole body shook from the constant training through the night. He set up some target practice and got to work. Several Vargas later Lance wandered into the kitchen it was completely empty. Lance served up some food goo and ate it quickly before his stomach could turn. By this time it was late afternoon and Lance figured some sleep would be needed to be “mission ready.”   
As soon as his head hit the pillow he was asleep. 

The grey, walls of the Galaxy Garrison seemed a bit darker than the day before. Heavy footsteps resounded beside him. Who was walking with him? “Man that one was hard. How’d your pilot test go?” The voice was full of static and his head wouldn’t turn to look to his left. At that moment Lance was brought before the results. His vision tunneled as he looked at the results. He could only focus on one name at a time. After a moment he saw his own name at the bottom of the list. And bold print next to it. Demoted to Cargo Pilot. Lance’s world spun and he was sitting next to Hunk in the cafeteria. Whispers echoed off the walls. On Lance’s tray was a bubbling ooze. While Hunk dug into a steak and steaming mash potatoes.   
Lance tumbled through the floor to watch Keith walk out of the Garrison. Other Pilots in his class walked up to the hall he suddenly found himself in. “Congrats Lance.” One of the other fighter pilots shoved him and he stumbled back. Falling to the floor. “You get another chance.” Another voice in the crowd called out in mockery “He’s just a lucky cargo pilot!” After a laugh, they spoke up. “He’s not a Fighter Pilot.” “Keith would’ve been better.” The other voices took up the mantra.   
Over and over “Lucky Cargo Pilot.”   
“Just a failed Fighter Pilot.”   
“HE FAILED THE TEST AGAIN.” They spoke over one another and their voices became a constant murmur that Lance couldn’t understand.   
He sat straight up in his bed. Someone was knocking on his door. “It's Keith. Open up.” Lance stood slowly and opened the door. “Oh good, you're up.” Keith looks so relieved Lance almost asked if someone was attacking the ship. “Listen, I need to tell you something.” Keith looked positively terrified.   
“I. Keith are you okay.” Lance guided him gently to sit on Lance’s bed. He’s never seen their new leader like this, ever.   
“Yeah. I just need to say this.”  
“Look I tried to sleep. To let this fade away. But every day I wake up and the only thought in my head is you. I can’t sleep.” A tiny laugh paused Keith’s speech. “I can’t stop thinking about you, Lance.” Keith looked up at Lance. “I think I… I think I’m in love with you.” Lance was speechless.   
“Keith” Lance’s voice was full of awe and adoration.   
“I’m not done.” Keith looked down again. “But then you took Red from me. I couldn’t understand why you would do this to me.” Tears fell from Keith's eyes. “Why Lance? How could you?!” Keith stood and shoved Lance back. “You took my lion. You betrayed me.” Keith’s eyes were filled with pain and heartbreak. Spilling over and spurring Keith to reach to his back. “I’m so sorry Lance but I can’t pilot the Black Lion.” Keith drew the Knife that was kept constantly secured behind his back. “I need to have my Lion back.” A sick, sad smile flashed across Keith’s face and he swings the blade. 

 

Lance woke up to tears streaming down his face. For a few minutes, he wasn’t sure he was actually awake. That was hell. And oddly enough Lance felt he deserved it. He contemplated going back to sleep, dreaming it all over again. Just because he was a failure. He peeling the covers off his body sitting on the edge of his bed feet dangling over. He sat in the same spot dream-Keith sat in just moments ago. Lance covered his mouth to keep the hiccupping sobs inside. The events of the dream racing through his mind. Though it wasn’t real, it hit close enough to home to make them real enough.   
The constant murmur of the dream voices echoed in his mind though he was certain his room was silent. Keith’s declaration stabbed into his heart, in the same way, Lance had no doubt dream- Keith wanted to do. No not just dream Keith… Lance had seen the way Keith looked at him now. Eyes so full of hate there could be no other solution to everything other than Lance’s death.   
The Garrison pilots hadn’t been lying either. That same thing had happened many times after Keith left and Lance was let back into the Fighter Pilot program. There was nothing fake about the dream.   
Lance glanced up at his Bayard and suit sitting on the dresser. He got dressed and for a moment stared at the Bayard. Lance was sure he could do it. His Bayard would be useful once again in this act. He could turn it upon himself, surely there was no way even a failure like him could miss the shot. It would be so easy to squeeze the trigger and drift aimlessly for the rest of time. He could make everyone happier. Keith and Allura would certainly be happier. Pidge and Hunk would feel better without him pestering them, there wouldn’t be any awkward air between the three of them. And Shiro… if he was even still alive, Shiro never liked him anyway.   
Lance had always looked up to Shiro in the Garrison but once they met it became apparent that the great Takashi Shirogane couldn’t be bothered to look at him. Keith had always out-shined Lance. Even after Keith left the Garrison Lance still lived in a constant shadow of Keith Kogane. “Keith could’ve aced that simulator.” Was a common reminder of that in the Garrison. Now Shiro was the reminder. Keith was always the better of the two. 

Lance almost did it. He almost slipped away from the pain in his head. But the thought of Voltron kept him from pulling the trigger. He was the Placeholder for now. Once Shiro was back and Keith got his lion. Lance could be free. He promised himself that he wouldn’t until they didn’t need him anymore. No matter how useless he was until then.


End file.
